"Last month, I talked a lot about the need for the other party to "know, like and trust" you as the foundation of your persuasion skills. This is all part of the rapport building process. Of these three words, "like" is the most deceptive. This might lead you to believe you have to be friends with the party you are attempting to influence. Not true. "Respect" is a much better concept. Trying to be friends only leads to unnecessary compromise based on emotion and guilt. This is counter-productive to your goals and is a very weak position that ultimately leads to neediness. Persuasion is a paradox of sorts. You have to put your ego aside and focus on the other party while almost invisibly performing your magic. This is quite different and much more effective than using fear, coercion and intimidation!

Dear Friend and Subscriber,

Communication skills may be the most valuable of all skills to possess. When you think about it... persuasion, selling, negotiations, networking and relationships are dependent on effective communication skills.

These skills are made up of a lot of different components... both verbal and non-verbal. The words you use are important. Your voice tone... your inflections... the questions you ask. These all make a tremendous difference.

As strange as it might sound, silence plays a huge role in the process as well. Learning to give the other party time to talk... to formulate their answers... to react... to reveal their criteria... this is paramount to this incredible process...

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Where does silence fit into the overall picture of persuasion?

After all, when you think of one party persuading another party, don't you see an image of one party persuading another by talking? Running their mouth? Wearing the other party down by continually trying to close them? Talking more than listening?

The truth of the matter is... silence makes people uncomfortable.

Too often, the persuader feels like they need to fill this silence with the sound of their own voice. As if there is something more they need to say. Another technique they need to verbalize.

This robs them of utilizing silence to their advantage. You don't want to turn this into a competition, but give the other party time to feel the same level of discomfort silence creates. Let them be the first one to talk. You might be surprised at what you will learn.

Jimmy Napier taught me when negotiating to always count to 10 before either responding to another party or making your next statement. Counting to 10 is equivalent to 10 seconds. Doesn't seem like much time, does it?

Try this experiment today: When someone asks you a question, count to 10 slowly before you answer. Whenever you ask someone else a question, count to 10 slowly after you think they have finished answering your question... before you talk again.

Here's what you will discover. 10 seconds can be an uncomfortable period of time. Not only is it uncomfortable for you, it's also very uncomfortable for the other party.

The way this discomfort is relieved is by talking. Filling the silence with noise. Saying something. This will either be done by you or the party you are trying to influence.

You need to be aware of this discomfort to properly use silence to your advantage. Don't turn this into a Cold War. That's not the objective. Just slow down a little. Slow down by 10 seconds. Give the other party adequate time to say something else. You might be surprised at what they will reveal in an effort to gain relief from silence.

I have a very good friend who can talk with the best of them. Not only does he talk fast, he can talk long. He has stamina. At the end of a long day and millions of words, I have seen him fall asleep while he was talking (what a relief!).

I have accused him of breathing through his ass because most humans have to pause every now and then for a breath of air to continue their rapping. Not him. He's getting air from somewhere else.

However, an amazing transformation comes over him when he is in a negotiating situation...

He turns into a completely different person. He slows down. He's methodical. He takes his time. And most importantly, he gives the other party a chance to talk... to tell their story.

He's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

And as obnoxious as he can be when he's rapping... he is a killer negotiator when he slows down. Don't misunderstand me here... he knows when to slow down. And when to use silence to his advantage. It's not an accident. He grabs a different gear and his demeanor changes completely.

EFFECTIVE LISTENING

The use of silence dovetails into your ability to listen effectively.

Sadly, most people are too focused on themselves to actually listen to what the other party is saying. They are either thinking about what they are going to say next... or composing their response.

If you have problems remembering other people's names... it's a listening problem. When you introduce yourself you have to listen intently for the other person's name. It also helps to repeat it back to them and use it quickly. This is a good litmus test of your listening skills.

If you want to become persuasive... you will advance quickly if you learn to listen. Show interest. Make everything about the other party. Become them. All of this can only be accomplished by listening to what they say and what they reveal about their situation... their story.

You don't have to draw this out for hours and hours. Results can be had very quickly if you will take the time to listen to what the other party has to say. One of the biggest frustrations we all suffer from is the fact that nobody will listen to us. Nobody seems to care enough to listen to our story. When this happens, we feel insignificant, don't we?

Take the time to listen effectively and you are on your way to becoming a master persuader. Fail to embrace this and you are doomed to mediocrity!

ELICITING CRITERIA

My wife, Cindy, wants to buy a new car. She's had the bug to buy a convertible for the last couple of years. The car she really likes is the Toyota Solara. There are a couple of other convertibles she would settle for... but the Solara would be her hands-down first choice.

The other day she mentioned this to a good friend in the car business. It wasn't long before he called her and said he had found her car. It was a red Toyota Solara. Perfect!

No... it wasn't perfect. She didn't want a red convertible. Of course, our friend didn't know this. He had gone out and done the work... but had been looking for the wrong product. As a result, he discovered she'll only settle for a white, silver or grey Toyota Solara.

Slowly but surely, our friend is uncovering my wife's criteria for the car she is looking for. He will waste a lot of time unnecessarily until he fully discovers exactly what she is looking for.

Think about how much easier the whole process would run from start to finish if he had intentionally elicited her criteria from the beginning. Make, model, color, price range, special accessories, financing... everything.

Doesn't this sound simple? Fundamental to this whole process of persuasion?

If you will take the time to discover what the other party is trying to accomplish, you will stand head and shoulders above the crowd. The opposite of this is to convince them what you offer is the solution to their problems. Do you see the difference here? It's huge!

Here's another example. A local Investor called me the other day and asked if I would locate property for him to purchase in our local market. For this to be a viable relationship for both of us, I needed to elicit his buying criteria. Otherwise, we would both end up wasting a bunch of time spinning our wheels.

First of all, I asked him what kinds of properties he wanted to buy. Price range, areas of town, number of bedrooms and baths... those kinds of things.

Next I asked him what he had purchased to date. Location, price, bedrooms, baths, financing, etc. Same kind of drill (although it is important to remember here... I was not interrogating him... we were having a discussion... no rubber hose or bright lights!).

As we went along, it became apparent his real desire was to purchase properties that provided a good rate of return on his investment. In his case, this rate of return was represented by Cash Flow.

This particular Investor has only been investing in my market for less than a year. Hardly long enough to see the difference between projected return and actual return on his investments.

Personally, I think he would benefit greatly by moving up a notch or two in the grade of properties he's buying. This would reduce the management intensity he now faces while freeing up his time for other more productive things.

Although he has a very good idea of the types of properties he wants to invest in... he has also given me the criteria on which to persuade him to move up to a better grade of property. No doubt he will come to this same conclusion over time, but I feel I could help him greatly with his investment program if I could persuade him to follow my advice.

To do this... I have to show him how he would obtain a better return on his investments by investing in slightly better properties. Remember his buying criterion is "return on investment". He has given me the key to persuading him. Now it's just a matter of showing him how his return on investment will increase by investing in better properties. Not a difficult task.

WHY DO YOU INVEST IN REAL ESTATE?

My guess is most people don't know the answer to this question. For you see... one question cannot and will not get to your ultimate criteria.

We have to probe deeper...

I would think a common answer to the above question would be... to become wealthy!

That's a good answer but tells us very little. We need to go deeper. "So... what is it about becoming wealthy that is so appealing to you?"

"Well... if I was wealthy, I could spend more time with my family... travel more... and see the world!"

"Great... a worthy goal indeed. Ultimately, what will spending more time with your family, traveling and seeing the world do for you?"

"Ultimately, it will give me more control over my time... plus the freedom to do what I want to do... when I want to do it."

What started out as a goal to build monetary wealth... evolved into a lifestyle benefit of having the freedom to do what you want... when you want. See how this works.

Having a pile of cash or other assets has no real true value until translated into benefits. What will this pile of assets do for you? What is your ultimate goal? Piling up assets has to lead to a benefit or you are wasting your precious time.

People will tell you exactly how they can be persuaded if you will ask. It's not good enough to accept their first answer. To be an effective persuader, it pays to dig a little deeper!

PRODUCTIVE QUESTIONS

With a little thought, we can all improve our questioning skills. For example, I was consulting with a client this past week who was trying to raise some private money to fund his acquisitions. Unfortunately, he was not having much success.

He told me the story of a potential private money partner who was interested in lending him money... but when presented with a specific opportunity decided to "think about it". This is nothing more than an objection, isn't it?

I asked him what had transpired... and discovered he had not done a good job of eliciting the potential lenders criteria. He had offered 12% interest without knowing if this was the right number or not. There was no engagement. He walked away without any information... only an objection!

This is an empty feeling. How should he have handled this?

Well, first of all, you have to go into a relationship like this with a clean slate. No assumptions. My client thought 12% was the right number but in fact, this could very well have been too high (did he scare the Lender?)... or painted my client, the borrower, as being needy.

Under what terms would you be interested in lending money on this project? What would make this work for you? The answers to both of these questions would be very informative. You would be gathering criteria. Plus, there is something about the way these questions are formatted that says when you answer one of these... you are in effect agreeing to move forward with the transaction.

In the case of my client, I think he would have also been surprised at the rate of return this potential lender would have wanted. My guess is it would have been much less than 12%.

THE POWER OF WORDS

Words and the choice of words you use can have an effect on those you are attempting to persuade. There are a small handful of words you will want to make a part of your language patterns.

These words can be magical. Simple, yet loaded with power!

LET'S - You can create unity and alliance when you use "let's" in place of "you" when giving a direct command or order. For example: "Will you fax this offer over today?" is not nearly as powerful or effective as "Let's be sure and fax this offer over today, okay?" even when it's the other person and not you... carrying out the assignment.

BECAUSE - "Because" is an interesting word. I like to think of it as a "reason why" word. Several studies have been done that indicated a much higher percentage of compliance to requests when the word "because" is used.

For example: "Can I cut in line because I'm late for class?" receives a much higher percentage of compliance than just "Can I cut in line?" In fact, it has been discovered it doesn't really matter what "reason why" is used after "because". It's only important that you use the word. Interesting, isn't it? Let's use the word "because" to gain a higher level of compliance from Buyers, Sellers and Lenders. Why? Because it flat-out works!

YES - "Yes" is a very powerful word. In sales, there is a thing called a "yes set". This is the process of getting the party you are attempting to persuade to say "yes" either verbally or silently to your questions many different times. The theory is these minor yeses lead up to and support the major yes decision.

This is accomplished by engineering questions that command a positive answer. For example, adding words that end in "n't" to statements create a "yes" response. Phrases like ... "doesn't it?"... "Isn't it?"... "Can't you?" I know one very persuasive Investor who used this one technique to garner millions of dollars. One of his favorite questions is "You'd do that, wouldn't you?"

This is a very difficult question to answer in the negative. It prompts a positive response. And it's because of the use of "n't", isn't it?

PERSUASION FROM THE BOTTOM

There will be many times when the person you are trying to persuade is perceived to be superior to you. This can be expressed in terms of money, power or status. This could also be a secretary, a gate-keeper or an opinionated person who has been put in a position of power over you... such as a closing agent for the title company.

Many times, this type of person likes to say "No!" or "We can't do that" or even "That's illegal" when you ask them to do something different from the way they conduct their business everyday.

We all run into people like this everyday, don't we?

What you need in this situation is a form of mental judo. You need to use the other person's power to your advantage. The way to do this is not to tell them anything... but to ask them for their help! (We are back to asking questions again, aren't we?)

You can be the smartest whippersnapper on the planet, but try and tell me how to do something and I will resist. The more perceived power I have over you, the more I will resist your attempts to control or persuade me. Sometimes this has to do with a social pecking order... sometimes its just fear of change. Either way, this can become a huge problem.

When you ask me for help, you disarm me. I don't have anything to push back against. There is no resistance. We no longer sit on opposite sides of the table. We are working on solving this problem together. Now, I am helping you solve your problem. You are now using my weight and power to your advantage... just like in Judo!

To do this effectively, you have to put your ego aside. It doesn't matter is you know how to solve a major problem or not... if no one accepts your solution. Accept this as fact: There are people who simply cannot accept your solution under any circumstance regardless of how perfect it might be... because it's not their idea.

The way to overcome this is to persuade them by asking for their help. "Joe, I need your help. I'm not sure how this should work. I have a property under Contract for Purchase... and already have someone who wants to buy this property from me. In fact, they have made a written offer. I'm willing to sell, but I'm not sure how to get this done. I knew you would know. What would you recommend?"

You can continue to lead them by asking "What if" and "How can" types of questions. Remember, it has to be their idea, not yours. Learning to ask for help solves the toughest of persuasion problems!